The movie about Jesse James being a douche would be kind of like Star Wars. The film would first tell the story of a young man named Jesse J. Douchewalker who is learning how to use ‘the Force’ to drop panties and bed strippers, tattoo models, and receptionists all at the same time. Young Douchewalker was carefully trained in the art of douchebaggery by his mentor and wing-man Obi-Want Poonobi who not only trained J. J. Douchewalker how to bed the most women who are probably carrying STDs, but also how to be a racist c*cksucker and to take pictures doing incriminating acts (as above) that will act in his downfall in the future.

Obi-Want Poonobi isn’t just a wing-man and mentor though, he also has a hidden agenda. You see, many years ago he was the mentor and wing-man of another young Douchewalker; Tiger Douchewalker. Tiger Douchewalker used to be a master of ‘the Force’ and would bed strippers, porn stars, hostesses and even a Perkin’s manager in the name of Gettin’ It On. Over time Tiger Douchewalker’s epic encounters with women from all corners of the galaxy would become known and Obi-Want Poonobi knew that the only way to stop him was by training Jesse Douchewalker to not only be a bigger douche but to be a racist c*cksucker so he would one day rise up and out-douche Tiger Douchewalker who would fail in douche-parison.

While the epic battle of douchebaggery between Tiger Douchewalker and Jesse J. Douchewalker is legendary, the real tragedy is that in his attempt to dethrone Tiger Douchewalker, Jesse Douchewalker ended up following in his footsteps. He sacrificed his public image, the health of his Jedi sword, and ended up going to “rehab” to denounce the Way of the Douche. It was in these moments of solitude and reflection poolside as his rehab resort when Jesse J. Douchewalker was visited by Obi-Want Poonobi and told the truth – that Tiger Douchewalker is his biological father.

Stacey: Bahahahaaa.  Tanya, that was hilarious. 

But speaking to these stories, which I really don’t want to do, I think that this whole rehab for sex addiction is totally crap.  The only reason they are going is because they are sorry they were caught.  Had Jesse never been busted, he would never even think that he was addicted to sex.  And for the record, who isn’t addicted to sex?  And why are men that are addicted to sex never addicted to it with their wives?  Please.  They aren’t addicted to sex.  They were just taking advantage of a situation that most normal people never have the opportunity to take advantage of.  Fame + money = tons of hoes wanting your junk.  Its as simple as that.  I hope both Elin and Sandy kick these men to the curb.

With that being said, I don’t think these two are the only ones doing this and I have a feeling lots of fame whore girls out there will be coming forward to claim they have slept with other famous men.  It is the world we live in; everyone wants their 15 minutes.

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