I Smell Smut

(Pics: Just Jared)

Its official.  Bradley Cooper cannot dress himself.  I mean really.  What is this outfit?

Bradley ranked #7 on our Hottest Guys list.  And our big complaint was the way he dresses.  If there was every any doubt before, people, I would like to offer up exhibits A and B as proof.  Maybe this is why he is dating Renee…anyone hotter wouldn’t date someone who dresses like this…

Tanya: The worst part about the picture below is that his outfit would look pretty slick if he tucked in the other half of his shirt. There is no fix for the outfit above.

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(Pic: Just Jared)

Finally someone has figured out exactly what women want; Kellan Lutz packaged and ready to be purchased.  Like a real sized Barbie Doll.  Except more like a Ken doll.  And more anatomically correct.  Where do I get me one of these?

Ok, so maybe that’s not what they are doing here but a girl can dream can’t she?

Tanya: lol, I’m a fan of Kellan Lutz “performance testing”

(Pic: People)

And this one is for Tanya.  Here is Ryan Reynolds looking super yummy pumping gas and demonstrating why he landed on our Hottest Guys list.

Try not to get any drool on your keyboard Tanya

Tanya: Too late. It’s an automatic thing, I can’t help it. Ryan is my #1.

Ryan is supposedly going to be in a movie by himself. No other actors. At all. It reportedly about a US contractor who get buried alive in Iraq with only a cell phone and a lighter (think “Castaway” but in a coffin). I’m not sure about this. And apparently Ryan isn’t either: “I don’t know, we’ll see. It’s either going to be, you know, the greatest, most experimental cool movie ever made or god knows what.” Heh. At least he’s prepared for the reality that it might suck.

(Pic: Just Jared)

Do you remember this?  It was horrible.  Traumatizing actually.  Henry Cavill was mere days away from being crowned I Smell Smut’s Hottest Guy and then he showed up to a fashion event looking like, as Tanya put it, Nicolas Bloom the Weekend Pirate.

I has hoping HOPING that this picture was a one time occurrence, that the next time I saw Henry he would bring the quiveration hard core.  So this is the first picture I have seen of him since then.

Its a little underwhelming.

So, lets break it down.  He is showing his sexy arms, his face is perfection with those pouty, kissable lips and deep brown eyes.  But then there is that hair!  Again!  The hair is killing the quiveration.  I just can’t deal with it.

And to make things worse, in the interview that goes along with this picture he has this limp dick thing to say:

What was that?  You would rather cuddle?  Blach.  You are KILLING me here!

Has Henry lost the hot?  I think that I may be over him.  The hair + cuddling = not hot.  Sorry Henry, but I can cuddle with my dog.  I want someone a little more manly.  Not that I don’t still like him, cause I do, but maybe more as a friend than a fling.

Maybe if he loses the hair do I may be able to find him attractive again.  But until then, he is relegated to the “Friend” zone.

*sigh* I miss hot Henry.

Tanya: *tear* Oh Henry. I have a soft spot for big curly hair but Henry just doesn’t rock it as well as I think he could. Sigh! He’s still hot, but it’s just not the same anymore.

(Thank you Celebitchy for this story and picture)

So ya.  Reason # 1042 that I love Colin Farrell…he visits sick children in the hospital on Christmas day. And brought them presents. So sweet.  And totally swoon worthy.  Apparently, this is something he does quite often.  Colin’s first son, James, was diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome, which is a rare neuro genetic condition, and ever since then Colin has been active in philanthropy related to support of children’s hospitals or special needs organizations.

Doing good.  Doesn’t that decrease Colin’s sleaze score a little bit, Tanya?

Tanya: Yes. Visiting sick children & bringing them presents on Christmas Day decreases the sleaze score. A lot. In fact I find it a bit attractive. If Colin Farrell is on next years list this will help him out big time.

Well, we finally made it.  It was hard work looking at all these hot guys and grading them but somebody had to do it.  No worries, I Smell Smutters, Tanya and I took the bullet for you   So of all these hot guys, who was the creme de la creme?  The big cheese?  The sexiest of the sexy?

Jason Statham.  Mmmmmmmm.  Jason Statham.

Style/Wardrobe: 10

Body: 10

Face: 8.5

Charisma: 10

Sleaze Factor: 0

Lust Factor: 10

Hot Score:  48.25

Yup, Jason is our guy.  The Hottest of the Hot.  And he really really is.  Tanya and I agreed about him across the board.  And even though it is a bit by default win, since Henry Cavill was demoted earlier this week, it feels right doesn’t it?   A full 4.75 points ahead of our #2 guy, Hugh Jackman, he is the clear cut winner.

He has the whole package.  From head to toe the man is perfection.  While he may not be as pretty as Hugh, Jason has that something that we have been searching for.  That something extra that gets us drooling.  That something that we can’t quit put or finger on but makes us think those unspeakable thoughts.  And with his low sleaze score (he sits at a big zero), he rose above the other hot men, like David Beckham, whose sleaze score makes them just slightly unappealing.

So what is it about Jason that we just can’t resist?

For starters, he is so manly.  I mean, this guy could really kick some one’s ass.  Not that I would encourage fighting but couldn’t you just picture him stepping up to someone who had wronged you and throw down in your honor, muscles glistening with sweat and testosterone.  And after that, he would pick you up, throw you over his shoulder and carry you off to the bedroom.

Go a head.  Take a minute and soak that image in.  Nice isn’t it?

And any of you feminist chippies out there who say you wouldn’t like that are lying!  Lying I say!  Because as much as those emo skinny man children seem to be popular right now (Zach Efron, Robert Pattinson), all us women really want a man who will take charge, who we feel safe with, and who could bench press the combined weight of those “men”.

Plus Jason is a total dude.  I mean, which one of you guys out there wouldn’t want to hang out with Jason?  He is a cool guy and he is likable.  He must be!  Because a couple of his movies are fairly questionable yet we all watch them.  And as crappy as they can be, Jason makes them tolerable. Have you seen Death Race?  Without Jason, it would be garbage but with him I actually watched it twice. And while there are a few bad ones, he has been in some good ones too.  Snatch, Crank, The Transporter, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, The Italian Job, etc.  Really, I will see anything he is in.

So, in the end, Jason Statham is the total package; manly, great dresser, cool, good looking, sexy, in great shape….the list can go on and on.

So congratulations Jason!  You are I Smell Smut’s Hottest Guy.  And to show your gratitude, please feel free to take Tanya and I out on a date or give us massages or intimate things of that nature .  Well, mostly just me.  Forget Tanya.  Yes people, I think we have found the man that Tanya and I would actually fight over

Tanya: I would fight you for Jason Statham. No question about it. Not that I don’t value our friendship, because I do, but I value those muscles, that accent, the twinkle in his eye and that look that says “let’s go get into trouble” even more. No hard feelings though, right?

Bumping Jason up to #1 just felt right. He deserves it. He’s overall just hotter then the other guys when all things are considered. Even Henry Cavill, who is definitely jumpable, doesn’t have the same magnetism. And while Jason is definitely “manly” and could probably kick the ass of anyone else on our list, he’s not “macho” (aka an arrogant douch) about it all. Case in point: while Statham could probably get any lady he wants, we don’t hear anything about him bragging about his conquests or parading various women around town. I dare say he may even respect the ladies. Sigh!

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#2 Hugh Jackman

Style/Wardrobe: 9.5

Body: 10

Face: 9

Charisma:  9.5

Sleaze Factor: 0

Lust Factor: 6.5

Hot Score:  44.5

Hugh Jackman.  Seriously.  What is there not to love about Hugh Jackman?  He is pretty much the perfect man.  Like if I could pick a man out from a catalogue, I am fairly certain he would be almost identical to Hugh.  Selling features?

Face?  Gorgeous; near perfect.

Body?  Ummmm, also perfect.

Personality?  Delightful.

Caring father of two?  Yup!

Loving and devoted husband?  Check!

Good to fans?  Double check!

Talented?  Very.

Played a superhero?  Yup, done that too.  And done well, might I add.

In the mail order man world, Hugh is the deluxe model.

So what’s with the lust factor?  Tanya and I both agree that while he is wonderful to look at and drama free he just doesn’t do “it” for us. I mean, he does something, but not the same thing David Beckham does.  And that is not to take away from him at all.  Really, he seems like a wonderful human being and that’s all great and everything but he doesn’t give us the urge to jump in the sack with him.  Much like Aaron Eckhart, I feel the urge to take a moon light stroll, holding hands, and talk about the wonderful day we just had going the market and taking a yoga class.  Not the urge to take a moon lit stroll and jump in the bushes for a quicky like some of our other Hot Guys can cause.

Thankfully, his perfect exterior and squeaky clean image is pretty much flawless so it saved him from the low lust factor to land him as out #2 spot.  Because quite frankly, I love Hugh so much, I wouldn’t be comfortable with him, being any lower.

Tanya: Hugh Jackman is hot. Great body, great face, and a wicked sense of humor. And he nailed his performance of Wolverine/Logan in the X-Men movies. Oh, and he’s a pretty awesome father and husband. And he has no “drama”. He’s pretty much the perfect package. But he is missing that extra something… that thing that makes you think of nothing else but running your hands through his hair. At least he is missing that for me, but I’m sure a LOT of women would disagree!

Stacey: BTW, I spent a lot (A LOT) of time going through Hugh Jackman photos…why you might ask?  Well for 1, he’s gorgeous and 2 there are just so damn many good ones.  Its like asking me to pick my favorite candy; it can’t be done.

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# 3 David Beckham
Style/Wardrobe: 9
Body: 9
Face: 8
Charisma:  9.5
Sleaze Factor: 7
Lust Factor: 10
Hot Score:  38.5

A perfect 10 for lust factor. We have finally come to the section of men that we both agree on. And if we can both agree on these guys, they must be hot!

David Beckham’s hotness is one that I frequently use in conversations of relative hotness. Let’s have a fake conversation between me and a dinner guest… I’ll call her Stacey.

Stacey: You know who’s hot? James Franco.

Tanya: Oh, he is hot. But he’s no David Beckham.

*both ladies stop to drool and blush*

And that’s pretty much how it goes. Any mention of David Beckham and the conversation stops and both women start to fantasize about him.

So what is it that makes Becks soooo freekin’ hot? Well, he’s got great style and a super hot body (and isn’t too bad in the face either!) which helped him score well, but I think the big one for Becks is his charisma. He’s got something about him that just oozes “sex”. I’ve come to believe that the very image of the man triggers some kind of hormonal reaction in our brains. If Aaron Eckhart is your neighbour he’ll help you carry your groceries. If David Beckham is your neighbour he’ll probably put the moves on you in the elevator and succeed. He’d hit up all the ladies in the apartment and you’d all still blush about it.

Ladies world wide would drop their panties for David Beckham if given the chance, and the thing about David Beckham is… well… from what we hear about him he might not turn down the opportunity. I’m not sure if the fact that the fantasy might come true makes it hotter or not, but it makes Becks a bit of a sleaze ball in our book and brings down his overall hot score to land him at 3^rd on the I Smell Smut Hottest Guys list.

Stacey: Seriously, Becks is so hot.  SO hot.  I can actually smell his pheromones when I look at a picture of him.  And, quite honestly, it smells like sex.  I’m not sure what exactly it is.  Maybe how well he wears clothes, ANY clothes, or no clothes at all, or how fantastic he looks in underwear, or the fact that he is super rich, or that he appears to be a loving father with three beautiful boys, I don’t know.  But whatever it is, I want it.  Bad.  In fact, I don’t think I have ever come across any woman that does not find him irresistible.  And while his sleaze factor is a little high, let’s be honest, which one of us could turn down Becks even though he is married?  I know I couldn’t.  And if you say you could, you are lying.  Because Becks is so hot it is a little unfair….*fewf*…is it hot in here or is it just me?

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# 4 Daniel Craig
Style/Wardrobe: 9
Body: 9
Face: 7
Charisma:  8
Sleaze Factor: 2
Lust Factor: 6.75
Hot Score:  37.75

Daniel Craig. Even with the moustache, he brings the hot. Remember that scene in James Bond when he comes out of the water all wet and glistening in his tiny (and yet manly) shorts? So hot. He’s got the English accent, he’s a wonderful dresser (most of the time, let’s not forget ‘70s Gay Biker Chic), and he’s got a beautiful non-famous wife who he appears to adore. Swoon!

What more can I say? Not much. Just enjoy the photos.

Stacey: Another man that you and I will never agree on.  Yes, so sexy, and his style (minus the gay biker chic) kills me.  But honestly, he reminds me so much of one of my really good friends that the sex appeal is all but dead for me.  Don’t get me wrong, though, I totally appreciate his hotness and can see why you lust after him.  And for the record, the part in James Bond that you mentioned, one of the greatest moments in cinematic history.

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# 5 Gabriel Aubrey
Style/Wardrobe: 9
Body: 10
Face: 10
Charisma:  5.5
Sleaze Factor: 0
Lust Factor: 5.5
Hot Score:  40

If you’re paying close attention to our Hot Score you’ll notice that Gabriel Aubrey scored 40, which is 4.5 points higher than Bradley Cooper. This is a really big jump if you take a look at our last 5 hot men who are all within 1 Hot Point of each other. Let me tell you why:

Tanya: We should have Gabriel Aubrey on the list.

Stacey: But he’s not even famous.

He’s a model, dating Halle Berry and we post about him on the blog.

He’s not really that famous. If we put him on we’ll have to put everybody on.

No we won’t. Not many people are as hot him.

I don’t think he should make the list.

I don’t think we should be friends anymore.

So after I threatened excommunication of friendship, Stacey caved and let him go on the list. And clearly, we agree on his hotness. Perfect 10’s for his face and body, he’s got an amazing sense of style, and a sleaze factor of 0. Gabriel is a doting father, a devoted partner, and doesn’t seem to ever step out of line. Gabriel made the list and scored quite well. So well that he’s technically our #4 hottest man, but as a concession to Stacey I let her use her editorial discretion to bump him down a few spots due to his unfamousness. (update: Because Henry Cavill forgot how to be hot Gabriel Aubry has snuck his way into the top 5 again, and is technically now #3. Had we more time and people left we’d have moved him back down but we don’t so he stays)

Stacey: Sorry Tanya, he is just not famous enough to rank over out Top 5 hottest guys.  I never disputed his looks, body, or face, but being Halle Barry’s baby daddy does not equate to fame.  I would love to see him around more, and if he were to step outside the realm of model that would be great.  But until then, his charisma and lust factor are staying as is.  I just have nothing to base it on!

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