Jessica Simpson has always had an ample bosom, but her pregnancy boobs are getting ridiculous. And the scary part is she isn’t even due until spring! Jessica Simpson’s boobs might get bigger than the average woman’s pregnant belly. Yikes!

(pic: The Superficial)

(Pic: Just Jared)

And now I present to you, Jessica Simpson, setting women back 50 years.

On her giant boobs:

“There’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”.

Show the girls and give a wink.  Look.  I am far from a feminist but it is stuff like this that makes me wonder what the hell some women are thinking.  Have some self respect!  You are more than just a pair of boobs!  But no one will ever think that unless you start to treat yourself with some respect…or is that all you think you are?

How about instead of relying on your boobs to get you out of a parking ticket, make an intelligent decision and park where you are supposed to and not somewhere which will get you a ticket.

Gawd.  What kind of a message is this sending to young women?  I am totally all for “embrace what you have” but I am totally against “whip out yo titties to get outta sh*t”.

And this is one of the people that People Magazine included on their “Most Beautiful” list.  Nice.

Tanya: I have never tried that approach, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t work too well. I also have a feeling that she’s never actually tried this and is just trying to tell People Magazine something to make her somewhat interesting. Except that instead of interesting it’s just kinda sad. What she really should have said was “I just tell them that I’m Jessica Simpson and that I can’t read the signs – and they totally believe me!”. Still pathetic, but a little more authentic and believable.

So Jessica Simpson is hitting the gym before her wedding so she can be in tip-top shape to walk down the aisle. While I want to give her props for working out I have the feeling she’ll just be on the couch again after the wedding which leads me to ask “why bother?”.

My favourite part of this story is that her friends are saying that she’s “really seeing results!” which makes it sound like some kind of miracle. Jess is working out with a personal trainer for 75 minute sessions 4 times a week. The real miracle would be if she wasn’t seeing any results.

Stacey: The thing is, if you don’t go to the gym for yourself, if you are doing it to look good for someone else, then it won’t last.  But good for her.  Just getting there sometimes is half the battle.  Like me.  Once I start working out, I am fine…getting there is a whole other story. 

(pic: JustJared)

Jessica Simpson is kinda going through the same thing as Christina Aguilera right now (broke up with the husband, put on weight, galavants around town with a new piece generally acting a mess, music isn’t selling, movies don’t sell, etc) but instead of giving her a “bitch, please” like Christina, Jessica just gets our pity. What is it about Jessica that makes us so sad for her?

Today what makes me sad for her is that she got wasted at a sushi joint. I have not experienced a sushi hangover but I have thrown up a lot of different foods in my day and I can’t image that tasting raw fish mixed with stomach acids and sake the next day is going to be yummy. Props to her BF if he actually crawl into bed with the beer & fish breath. It makes me even sadder that this is at one of the top Hollywood restaurants where the celebs all go and is always crawling with photographers. If you KNOW you are going to get photographed why would you do this to your self??

Stacey: Why does Jess get our pity instead of our hate like X-tina?  Well, I think we want to like Jess.  I mean, she seems like a nice girl, doesn’t she.  But X-tina just seems like a straight-up bitch who would look down her oompa-loompa orange nose at you after she gives you the up and down once over to size you up.

Jess just can’t seem to help herself though.  It is like this idiocy is in her DNA.  She can’t escape it.  She is “life dumb” and can’t seem to make good decisions for herself.  That coupled with having sycophants around her who only agree with her and tell her how wonderful she is when they really should be telling her she is making an ass out of herself is what causes these public spectacles.  But she is just so blissfully unaware of what people think of her that it kind of makes me wonder if she is unhappy at all…

(pic: The Superficial)

(Pic: Just Jared)

How?  Howdo we stop Jessica Simpson from from wearing such awful clothing?  I feel as though it should almost be my life’s mission to help her out.  Because every time I look at a picture of her, I just groan.  And I don’t want to groan.  I want to look at Jess and smile.  Because I want good things for her.  But good things won’t happen as long as she is wearing burlap sacks that make her look much, much heavier than she really is.

How, people?  How?  Lets all put on our thinking caps, ok?  And if you come up with something, please let me know immediately.

Tanya: Have we stopped calling people out on being pregnant just because they’re looking fat? I’m not saying Jess is pregnant because this is a jacket that you probably wouldn’t need until you’re almost ready to pop, but I am saying this is a jacket you wear when absolutely nothing else fits because you’ve put on too much weight.

(Pic: Celebitchy)

For 2011 I was hoping for a good year for Jessica Simpson.  After a year filled with bad outfits and bad boyfriends I was hoping she would start off the year in something nice, sophisticated, and flattering to her figure.

But instead she showed up in Aspen dressed like this.

I would like to start by saying that it isn’t her figure that I have an issue with.  Its how she chooses to dress her figure.

Each of the pieces that she is wearing are pieces that you would wear as an accent with other more simple clothing.  Like the jacket.  That would have been really cute with a pair of nice jeans and some black boots.  But no.  She had to pair it with these gawd awful ugly leggings and horribly over-sized bag and boots that should only be worn by someone under the age of 22. Maybe individually these pieces are all nice but Jess had to mash them together to form one hideous uber outfit.

And the leggings.  They really are the worst part aren’t they?  Because they are just so…unflattering.  I mean, I can sympathize with her because I have short, muscular legs like her.  But I know that I cannot wear patterns on my legs because they make them look like…well, like Jessica’s do right now…a little tree trunky.

I want so badly for Jess to get herself together but I just don’t see it happening.  Maybe I can hope for something else for 2011?

Tanya: I’m mesmerized by the pattern on her thighs. Not flattering, but visually amusing.

I guess now that he’s not working Tony Romo decided it would be a good time to get engaged. Or maybe he just wanted to get a kick out of really rubbing it in on Jessica Simpson that all of her ex’s are moving on. Tony did break up with her on her birthday so his sensitivity to timing events is not the greatest.

Go ahead and argue that Jessica Simpson is also engaged now and is sooooo happy with her new guy that she probably won’t care, but I get the feeling that she does. She cares a lot. And while this might not drive her to drink away her sorrows, it is definitely going to drive her to up the wedding ante. Now she has two weddings she has to upstage.

Stacey: Do you know what would complete the trifecta?  If John Mayer announced that he was engaged.

You know what she needs to do?  Announce that she is pregnant with triplets.  That would show them all up!

(pic: JustJared)

(Pic: www.liweddings.com)

“We’re going to be in Cincinnati with family, and hopefully having a white Christmas,” said Lachey. “We’re going to be in Tuscany for New Year’s. Who knows, we may be married in Tuscany, too!”

That is Nick Lachey on The Rachel Ray Show, playing mind games, obviously, with Jessica Simpson.

How much do you want to bet me that Jessica will start panicking and elope prior to New Years?  Oh come on!  You know she will.  Because if recent history has taught us anything it’s that Jess is super insecure and clearly cannot handle the fact the Nick has moved on, even though she divorced him, what, 5 years ago.  Hearing he may marry over New Years will send her off the deep end.

Rushed wedding in 3….2…..1…..

Tanya: I am excited for Nick & Vanessa and sad for Jess and that other guy. Nick & Vanessa have developed a strong relationship, overcome hard times, and grown together into what will hopefully be a long and happy marriage. Jess and her dude… well… I have a sinking feeling that it will be best if this engagement just magically goes away and we forget this whole thing happened before we have Britney & Kevin 2.0.

(Pic: Us Weekly)

I feel like we need to start a “Save Jessica Now” campaign.  To save her from herself.  And her bad decisions.  In her personal life.  And her fashion choices.  She is clearly not able to make rational, adult decisions on her own, in any aspect.

Look.  Look at this outfit.  Its.  Horrible.  Those boots.  They look like they belong on a street walker.  And that fur-trimmed moo-moo.  It is all wrong.  All of it.  What is she thinking?  And that bag!  The issue isn’t the bag it’s self, but when you have it on top of everything else?

Save Jessica Now!  Save Jessica Now!

Tanya: Not to be mean, but she kinda reminds me of a walrus.

(Pic: cdn.buzznet.com)

As more and more of the romantic details come out of Jessica Simpson’s engagement, I can’t help but feel how special it must have been *eye roll*

“I was watching Parenthood at the time…he made me pause it …… I was like, ‘It’s a really good part in Parenthood…it’s an emotional fight right now.’”

No way!  She is so lucky!  He made her pause the TV show she was watching so he could propose?  That means he really does love her.

Is anyone else tired of hearing about this engagement yet?  Because she is really milking this for all its worth.  That or she is trying to convince us that the engagement had absolutely nothing to do with Nick and Vanessa’s engagement.  But the more she does that, the more I think it had everything to do with that.  Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Yuck.  I these two are in a race with Halle and Oliver for my least favorite celeb couple.

Tanya: I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one:

Eric: “Let’s go out for a fancy & romantic dinner. Can I borrow your credit card to make the reservation?”

Jess: “Not right now! I’m watching the TV. Can’t we just get some KFC?”