(Pic: Just Jared)

Apparently John Mayer is putting off the release of his next album as he was recently diagnosed with granuloma which is an inflamed nodule near the vocal chords.

Really?  This must have been around the time that he a was also diagnosed with pretentiousitis and started dressing like Johnny Depp’s loser younger brother.

Hopefully he feels better.  And maybe starts dressing like a normal human being again.

Tanya: I think someone else had this too but I don’t remember who… A quick Google search is giving me nothing either so maybe I’m wrong but I seem to recall a cancelled tour and some operation.

What were we talking about here? John Mayer? Meh. Is it bad that I don’t even care?

(Pic: Celebitchy)

This story, coupled with this picture, has caused a few things to happen.

1) For me to vomit in my mouth

2) Banish John Mayer from my Freebie Five.  Forever.

3) Be ashamed of myself for ever having him on my Freebie Five

Apparently, John Mayer and Miley Cyrus were all over each other over Grammy weekend.

Who knows if it is true or not?  But for some reason, I wouldn’t put it past him.  And because there is even the possibility that he would do it, it shows me what type of skank he truely is.

Tanya: GROSS!!! *barf*

When we were watching the Grammy Awards on Sunday every time the camera cut to John Mayer my husband would ask “Is that Johnny Depp?” to which I had to reply, “No, Johnny Depp wears round spectacles with purple tinted lenses”.

Stacey might not agree with me because she lives Johnny Depp AND John Mayer, but I think when people start mistaking you for either of them it is time for a new look.

Side note: the poster in the background is really making me want some waffles.

(pic: I’m Not Obsessed)

(Pic: Just Jared)

Here is John Mayer looking suspiciously like Nicolas Bloom the weekend pirate’s creepy half Asian cousin, John Miyagi the sad lounge crooner.

Creepy!

Seriously, who told him that mustache was a good idea?

Tanya: Super creepy!! If he did this to me I’d be worried. Like, peer out of my window to make sure he’s not hiding in the bushes looking in worried.

(Pic: collegesurfing.com)

The only reason I am posting about this is because Giada De Laurentiis is one of his celebrity girlfriends.

If you don’t know who she is, the is a chef from the Food Network who looks a lot like Natalie Portman but with huge boobs.  She is gorgeous.  And married.  And, according to Star Magazine, is also nailing John Mayer.  

Star doesn’t have the best track record and is pretty near 100% unreliable so I am assuming this story is completely fabricated but I thought this was funny.

Cory, maybe if she will cheat with John Mayer she will cheat with you too?

(Pic: images.eonline.com)

Remember the rumors of Taylor Swift and John Mayer hooking up?  I thought it was totally awesome but also thought it was a little dangerous on her part because, well, he is a giant d-bag.  Would he really be in it for any other reason that to nail a 19 year old and than brag about it?

Please.

Well, according to her new song, titled “Dear John”, which we can only assume is about John Mayer because, well, it totally fits, he crushed her and he crushed her good.

Dear John
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known
It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.
My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine…
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret I ignored what they said
Run as fast as you can

Ouch.  I remember writing poems exactly like that after my first big heart break.  But we all have to go through it right?  As much as it sucks, we all need to learn the lessons.  I am just sorry she is going through it so publicly.  Or so we think.  Maybe it isn’t about him? 

But if it is, as if her calling him out like this isn’t just totally making his life.  You know he is walking around, wearing this as a badge of honor.  Come on.  We all know he really is that big of a douche.

And now I like him a little less.  His douchiness has always been something I liked about him, but I can’t look past breaking a young girls heart just for his own fun and games.  Poor T-Swizzle.  The lesson here it to never get involved with guys like that unless it is only for fun.  Don’t expect a relationship from them, that’s not what they are willing to give.  Sadly, she was just another proverbial notch on that bed post.  With this, she will learn to see these types of guys coming from a mile away.

Tanya: I guess it’s all part of the learning experience. If we didn’t go through that how would we learn to spot them later in life? And I guess that’s the point when we learn that our parents and friends are sometimes right when they try to interfere with a relationship. “My mother accused me of loosing my mind but I swore I was fine” – yup, if I was her mom I’d be saying the same thing.

If Swift keeps immortalizing her BFs in songs she’s probably not going to have a long line of interested men for very long.

A special dedication to Stacey who is out for the count for a few days: John Mayer’s new song “Half of My Heart”. John Mayer might be willing to share half of his heart and all of his sex life but you know he’d never share half of his 140 Twitter characters or even a quarter of a magazine cover.

Get well soon Stacey!

Stacey: Thanks for the shout out, Tanya!  Feeling a lot better.  And John always makes me smile

Remember when John Mayer said that Jessica Simpson was Sexual Napalm in bed? Stacey & I both agreed that if that story broke about us we’d secretly be pretty proud of our sexual prowess and always leaving the men wanting more.

Not Jessica Simpson. Jess went on Oprah to cry about ittalk about it and said that “‘I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.” Fair enough I guess, but I’d still secretly feel pretty good about it all. Way better than if he came out and said “She’s a cold, cold woman” which is how Jennifer Aniston came across when John Mayer was giving us TMI.

Stacey: I am a pretty modest person when it comes to all that.  And while I would be glad that John had positive things to say about my performance, I would prefer that he not discuss it.  Although, I think it is kind of counter productive to go on Oprah and talk about it more…really, giving it more legs.  Oh Jess, when will you ever learn?

(pic: Socialite Life)

(Pic: drfunkenberry.com)

Oh baby.  You know how we all have been wondering what the heck John Mayer saw in Jessica Simpson.  Aside from the obvious…her giant rack?  Because lets assume that John, a fairly talented musician, is somewhat intelligent.  And lets assume that Jess, a fairly generic musician, is as dull as we all think she is.  What could John possibly enjoy about Jessica?  Well wonder no more, my friends!  For John, the ever humble and modest gentleman that he is, has let us all in on the little secret in this months Playboy magazine.

Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say …..It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.

Well, that’s…vivid.  And suprising.  Who knew Jess had it in her?  Suddenly she has become much more interesting to me.

And while this may repulse most of you (I mean, honestly, could you imagine someone saying this about you in a magazine that millions of people read?), it makes me just want him more…I am a sick, sick person.

And poor Jess.  Even with what we can only assume is a hypnotic vagina, she still can’t keep a man…at least she still has her jean collection.

Tanya: Stacey, I think you might need a John Mayer intervention because this is not hot at all.

(Pic: Just Jared and Rolling Stone)

Oh John Mayer.  You know how to melt my heart.

How was this quote from his Rolling Stone interview missed last week?  This is the best one.

“When I get married that’s gonna be my vows, ‘Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?’ Yes, I do — you’re the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life.”

Amazing right?  Totally amazing.

For the record, John, you can wear my ass as a hat any time you like

Tanya: *singing* “You say amazing, I say retarded.”