For the last forever it seems like every week there has been some speculation about what Elin Nordegren is or isn’t getting in the divorce and it’s all seemed so speculative that I haven’t posted on any of it, but now I can finally say for sure that Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegren are officially divorced. No word on who got what but they will be sharing custody of the kiddies.

From Tiger Woods’ website:

“We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

“Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern.”

Stacey: Honestly, I am just hapy she did decide to go through with it.  No amount of money should be worth putting up with what he was up to.  And as the saying goings…a Tiger never changes his stripes

Groan.  That was bad…even for me.

(pic: JustJared)

(Pic: scraptv.com)

You want to know how I know Tiger Woods is a douche?

He likes Nickelback.

Tanya: I’m sorry Tiger but that pretty much kills it. Game off.

So Tiger is hitting up the Masters today (as if you didn’t know).  And Nike has released this commercial which everyone is talking about.  Seriously.  Every radio station I turned to this morning, including the sports station, was discussing this video.

Thoughts?

Me?  Obviously its an attempt by Nike, who famously stood by Tiger,  to humanize him and make his seem like he is just like the rest of us.  Do I buy it?  Hellz no!

Look, after the whole scandal broke, everyone was choosing sides, and there were a lot of people saying “why does everyone care? He just plays golf and wasn’t selling the wholesome image”.  Really?  Really?  I beg to differ.  Because if he wasn’t, why would he be trying to make amends by doing these stupid press conferences and releasing commercials trying to make it seem like he is just one of us?  Why?  Because he needs us to buy his image.  That’s how he makes his money.  He clearly wants all of us to buy this “I’m really really sorry” story.  If he wasn’t worried about saving his rep and his image, he would be off with his wife and children right now rather than trying to make a comeback at the Masters.  If it was just about the golf he wouldn’t be doing any of this extra crap.

I really could care less if he wins or loses.  It doesn’t matter to me because I could care less about golf.  But my own personal morals and values make me dislike what Tiger did and thus judge him as a person.  No Master’s win will make me buy into Tiger Woods again, because being a good golfer doesn’t make you a good person.  And if he was just trying to sell the golf, I wouldn’t be discussing the other side of it.  But he is attmepting to sell the whole package.  And I don’t believe him.

Brilliant marketing on Nike’s part though, because we are all talking about it right?

Tanya: I’ve been sick of the Masters for a week. Nobody except old men and my husband (…wait a minute, does that make him an old man now?) watch golf. All I hear everywhere is how this is Tiger’s “chance to show the world that he’s changed”. What? By playing golf? That’s the same thing he’s always done. Tiger’s performance on the golf course has nothing to do with his personal troubles. Let’s just let the man get back to work and maybe he can straighten out his personal life after the tournament.

Nike’s ad campaign is getting talked about and the Masters is expecting record ratings. Everybody wins.

The movie about Jesse James being a douche would be kind of like Star Wars. The film would first tell the story of a young man named Jesse J. Douchewalker who is learning how to use ‘the Force’ to drop panties and bed strippers, tattoo models, and receptionists all at the same time. Young Douchewalker was carefully trained in the art of douchebaggery by his mentor and wing-man Obi-Want Poonobi who not only trained J. J. Douchewalker how to bed the most women who are probably carrying STDs, but also how to be a racist c*cksucker and to take pictures doing incriminating acts (as above) that will act in his downfall in the future.

Obi-Want Poonobi isn’t just a wing-man and mentor though, he also has a hidden agenda. You see, many years ago he was the mentor and wing-man of another young Douchewalker; Tiger Douchewalker. Tiger Douchewalker used to be a master of ‘the Force’ and would bed strippers, porn stars, hostesses and even a Perkin’s manager in the name of Gettin’ It On. Over time Tiger Douchewalker’s epic encounters with women from all corners of the galaxy would become known and Obi-Want Poonobi knew that the only way to stop him was by training Jesse Douchewalker to not only be a bigger douche but to be a racist c*cksucker so he would one day rise up and out-douche Tiger Douchewalker who would fail in douche-parison.

While the epic battle of douchebaggery between Tiger Douchewalker and Jesse J. Douchewalker is legendary, the real tragedy is that in his attempt to dethrone Tiger Douchewalker, Jesse Douchewalker ended up following in his footsteps. He sacrificed his public image, the health of his Jedi sword, and ended up going to “rehab” to denounce the Way of the Douche. It was in these moments of solitude and reflection poolside as his rehab resort when Jesse J. Douchewalker was visited by Obi-Want Poonobi and told the truth – that Tiger Douchewalker is his biological father.

Stacey: Bahahahaaa.  Tanya, that was hilarious. 

But speaking to these stories, which I really don’t want to do, I think that this whole rehab for sex addiction is totally crap.  The only reason they are going is because they are sorry they were caught.  Had Jesse never been busted, he would never even think that he was addicted to sex.  And for the record, who isn’t addicted to sex?  And why are men that are addicted to sex never addicted to it with their wives?  Please.  They aren’t addicted to sex.  They were just taking advantage of a situation that most normal people never have the opportunity to take advantage of.  Fame + money = tons of hoes wanting your junk.  Its as simple as that.  I hope both Elin and Sandy kick these men to the curb.

With that being said, I don’t think these two are the only ones doing this and I have a feeling lots of fame whore girls out there will be coming forward to claim they have slept with other famous men.  It is the world we live in; everyone wants their 15 minutes.

(Pic: blogs.bet.com)

So Tiger Woods just go through with his “apology”…did you see?

In case you didn’t, let me recap it for you:

I’m sorry…blah blah blah…I did something bad…yadda yadda…I’m sorry to the kids all over the world who look up to me…*yawn*…there is no one to blame but me…fake cry, pause for dramatic effect…aaaaand scene.

Ya, that was pretty much it.  And it was lame-o.  He read from a piece of paper, stumbled over his words, seemed contrite and like it was staged and fake.

Sorry Tiger, but I didn’t buy it for a second.  Maybe try showing some real emotion.  Maybe try seeming sincere. Maybe try to appear less like a robot and more like a human.

Noticeably absent was his wife, Elin.  Good for her.  Obviously, he would have needed her to be there in order for most to forgive him.  If she could forgive him, so should the rest of us.  But she hasn’t forgiven him.

We’ll see if everyone else does.

Tanya: My favourite part when when he got a flicker of anger in his eyes and demanded that people leave his family out of it. Think they’ll listen? I’ve also held the belief that Elin attacked him with a golf club for so long now that when Tiger said there “has never been an episode of violence” in his marriage I don’t really believe him.

(Pic: Celbitchy)

In an ironic twist of fate, Joslyn James, one of Tiger Woods many many mistresses, finds her face on Tiger Woods balls rather than have Tiger Woods balls on her face.

Some ball company out there thought it would funny (and I agree) to make a commemorative ball set with the faces of all of his alleged mistresses on it.

Now, what I find extra funny is that this woman is NOT ashamed to come out as one of his probably hundreds of girlfriends, which I personally find completely and totally repulsive and sad, but she is mad that her face is on a set of balls.  She says its because she feels it is encouraging violence towards women.  Actually, I think its to poke fun at the fact that you are all a little slutty, probably thought they were something special, but are really just one in a dozen.  So get over it.  Its funny.

And I just really like the fact that I have been able to say balls so many times in this post.  I giggled each time I wrote it.

BALLS!

Tanya: You know, if anyone else’s series of mistresses got their faces on a bunch of balls I might agree that it’s promoting violence against women. But because Tiger is the most famous golfer of all time, and because these babes love balls, I think it’s appropriate. If she hadn’t made a big deal about it this would probably just be a fun gag, but now that she’s talked about it in national news outlets it’s going to be a very profitable business because everyone knows about Tiger’s balls being all over the ladies, and now his ladies get to be all over the balls. Balls. Balls. Balls.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

So. Good.

Odds that this actually happened? 0.0001%

But it still made my day.

See the caption “Touchy Feely!”? Love it.

Stacey: Ahhahahahahahaa.

Bwaaahahahaaa.

Thats a knee slapper alright.

(Pic: quirkybets.com)

So unless you live under a rock you have probably heard all about Tiger Woods and his alleged “transgressions”.  So far, 13 women have come forward claiming affairs, some of which include porn stars, escorts, and strippers.  At first, he wasn’t coping to anything, pretty much denying anything.  But since these woman have voice mails, pictures, texts, he has had no other choice but to admit what has happened.  And since then, some of his biggest endorsement deals have dropped him; Gatorade and Gillette have been the first.

This weekend Tuger released a statement saying he is taking a break from golf:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

So the question is, if he ever comes back, will the world forgive him?  We forgave Kobe didn’t we?  And will his wife?  Or is this too little too late after being embarrassed in front of the whole world?

Tanya: Gatorade dropped Tiger before this whole thing happened, and Gillette is “limiting” his sponsorship after he said he’s taking an indefinite leave from golf so I don’t think it’s fair to say that all the sponsors are dropping him because of the cheating. If he was still playing I’m sure his sponsors would keep him around, albeit in a limited role.

I’ve gotta say I feel bad for Tiger for how this whole thing has just been HUGE. Yes he brought it upon himself and there is no excuse for his actions but not many other athletes get hounded to this extent when they get busted cheating. Even Kobe who had rape charges against him. And I feel even worse for Elin. It’s got to be devastating to learn of your husbands infidelity, but to have a whole ho train on national television? Not cool. Maybe now the media will back off this for a bit.

Stacey: I don’t feel bad for him for one second.  Sleeping with all those women and, if the rumors were true, without protection.  He was being reckless and irresponsible and put his wife in a position where she couldn’t choose whether or not she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who is sexually promiscuous.  Its selfish and dangerous.  What if he had contracted an STD?  Sorry, but feel bad for Tiger?  I think not.

And I don’t believe for a second that Gatorade was already thinking of dropping him.  And his first major endorsement dropped him over the weekend as well, Accenture.

And while Kobe was accused of rapping that women, I don’t believe he actually did.  Just like Kobe, f Tiger plays well when he comes back, all will be forgotten.  We love winners.

Tanya: “The decision to drop the drink, called Tiger Focus, was first reported by trade publication Beverage Digest in an issue dated Nov. 25, two days before the incident at Woods’ home in Florida. The publication’s editor, John Sicher, said he learned of the decision the week of Nov. 9.” Huffington Post

Robert Downey Jr Gets a Star on the Walk of Fame

OK, so we have been pretty focused on doing some good research for our Hottest Guys of 2009 (read: staring at photos of hot men all day) that we’ve been pretty bad with covering all the other stuff. So here’s a quick roundup of what’s been going on:

Stacey: Sorry for being such bad bloggers lately!  We promise, once finals are done we will have time to re-dedicate ourselves to the smut. 

Tiger Woods has apparently slept with everyone but me & Stacey, or do you have something to tell me Stacey? – People - Stacey: Nope, not sleeping with him. I think we maybe the only ones!

Robert Downey Jr calls Jude Law “Hotson” (get it, Hot Watson?) – Celebitchy - Stacey: He must be reading our Hot Guys list.

Russell Brand wants to give Katy Perry bigger boobs a baby – CNN - Stacey: Better a baby than an STD.

Tea Leoni & David Duchovny for no other reason except that I like them – Lainey Gossip

Weezer’s tour bus was in an accident, Rivers Cuomo is a bit banged up and their remaining concert dates have been cancelled – NME - Stacey – Sad day.

Some Ryan Reynolds at an awards show – PageSix

How much would you pay to NOT have sex with this woman?

Well, multiply that by about a hundred bazillion and that’s what Tiger Woods will be paying to never have sex with Elin Nordegren again. I’m not saying they’re going to get divorced and she’s going to get a crap load in settlements, but I think it’s safe to say that she’s not the “forgive and forget” type.

And for some international fun, here’s a Taiwanese CGI reenactment of what may have happened that night. Props to the cop with the mohawk. Nothing commands respect for authority like a redneck mohawk.

Stacey: Ahahaha, thats hilarious!  For the record, I would pay tens of dollars to not sleep with this woman